Smoking & Depression : What Changed Me

Updated: Apr 5, 2020

Yeah this one definitely is a little personal… Lets get into it.

Senior year was by far one of the most rough times of my life.

I realized I was bound to go to community college for reasons out of my control so I lost all motivation. I became super depressed over the fact that I had worked so hard for nothing, especially after getting into my dream schools. On top of that, I had something severe happen to me which took me out of school for a bit. Even when I got back to school I was still not over what happened and would often skip class to cry or sleep in the nurses office. For some time, it was impossible to think about anything else. I dreamt about the situation, I just couldn't avoid it, no matter how hard I tried. At this time I started to smoke weed, I guess as a way to numb my mind and calm me down. Smoking became a sort of therapy for me; I’d go to my favorite spots and just wind down. I’d think about everything in depth. Life started to seem a lot different. I was finally starting to understand some things… It came to a point where I couldn’t imagine not smoking as much as I did. However, now I know this was NOT the way to deal with my emotions.

Here’s what changed:

I started to care less

This is by far the biggest change in my personality. I’m super chill and that is mostly because, I don’t care. For some reason I haven’t been dealt with the easiest life and I’m sure many people can relate. It did not take me a lot to realize this, trust me. However, with every bad thing that happened to me, I learned big lessons. Being in that state of mind, I began to really think about what truly matters. If I kept letting these things get to me, I would never be able to move on. It’s not like I made myself not care - that’s impossible. Instead, I practiced mindfulness. I assessed several situations that brought about negative emotions, evaluated them (what made me sad, mad, or angry), and thought about how I could deal with those situations better. This is when I realized I kept making big deals out of small things. What kind of life would I be living if I didn’t pursue what I truly cared for? Not one I want to live…

I began to question everything

I swear I started questioning everything from creation, to ethics, to personal issues, to global issues, etc. Things I’ve never considered before. At this time, I got really into physics, ideas of Stephen Hawking, and religion. I wrote a poem (Inside My Head - it’s on my blog) about all of my questions and the answers. Not surprisingly, sometimes the answers are harsh, or don’t exist. The more I started questioning the fundamentals of life, the more I realized how much I don’t know, and will probably never know.

I learned how powerful love is

This one is probably the greatest thing that has come from my changes. After being big sad stoner girl for so long, I lost touch with feeling/giving love. I almost became emotionless. Because I stopped caring so much, I became distant with everything and everyone in fear of being let down or getting hurt. After much needed healing time, I realized who my real friends are. I realized how great my family is to me, despite any hardships. Maybe I didn’t have everything I wanted, but I had everything I needed (love). I decided to change and start being kind, give back, and show gratitude. No one was going to remember me for having cool clothes, likes on instagram, or expensive things… I would be remembered for my character. To me, character is everything. If you intent isn’t pure, what are you living for? Without love, I wouldn’t have recovered.

Finally, I learned that life is too short to be ungrateful, sad, or hateful.

This was the final change which resulted from the first three. Although I started to care less about redundant things, this shifted my curiosity towards the things I genuinely care about. I had spent so much time in my life feeling jealous, hateful, and negative. It took losing someone for me to realize how short and precious life really is. What kind of person would I be if I spent my time jealous of others? Hateful towards things out of my control? Ungrateful for the privileged life I have? Not a person I ever ever EVER want to be. Instead I learned to use my privilege to help and guide those who aren’t as fortunate as I am. I stopped doing things I didn’t care for. I quit the clubs, activities, and other hobbies that felt more like work than a passion. I dropped classes I knew I couldn’t handle. After doing all these things, I found myself again. I found my happiness again. I found my purpose. So here I am, living how I want- not how I’m expected to and let me tell you, it feels AMAZING!

Disclaimer: I do not smoke anymore.

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